A Story About A Guy Named Link
by Apalachian
Summary: My first fic! Please R&R! Will probably be rated R in later chapters, but Its PG-13 now.
1. Links Beginning

A Story About A Guy Named Link  
**  
Obvious Disclaimer:** I own Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. ZERO. I'm just bored, and want to use Link and make my First Fanfic. Yep.

Chapter 1: Links Beginning

Link was sleeping peacefully in his little hut, on a little tree in the middle of a forest called the Kokiri Forest. But of course, as in every Story with this character named Link in it, He doesn't sleep for long.

"Wake up, or I'll shoot you. Seriously."

Link was still asleep.

"WAKE UP, OR I SWEAR I'LL SHOOT YOU."

Link still slept.

"OH MY GOD DAMN YOU LINK, I'M REPORTING YOU TO THE MAKERS OF THIS GAME FOR BUGS IN THE SCRIPT AND STUFF."

Now, Link woke up. He was scared to death of Losing his game. It sold tons and tons of copies. Link was rich. That's why he lived in a little tree in a little house.

"Ok, Now I'm awake. Now let me guess. You're a fairy named Navi who will travel with me while I go to save the world from an evil man named Ganon because he is trying to take over the world with a sacred golden triangle named the Triforce which the gods created when the left the earth and met at the same spot, and once I travel to many places like a big fish and inside of a tree, I will go and get a sword called the master sword, and turn into an adult while a fat Sage of light named Rauru rapes me and tries to make me hard all day with his sick ways because he gets so horny when he see's a boy that is asleep and acts like a freaking gay porn star and sells his home movies to cheap bastards who have no life and are very perverted. Then, he wakes me up and pretends like I don't notice how I've been raped every day for the last 7 years, and then I go on a journey and meet some dude named shiek who turns out to be a cross-dressing girl of my dreams and stalks me while going into 6 temples and trying to get the six medallions so I can save the world, beat Ganon, yada yada yada, and then go with some beautiful women during that 5 week party after I beat Ganon before Zelda sends me back with an Ocarina and makes me pissed at her because I didn't get to go away with HER yet, and I have to wait 7 more years before I can do so."

"How did you know?"

"People have beaten this game I'm in A loooooooooot of times. I've gotten used to the plot of the game. But whatever, lets pretend like I don't know that and go on my adventure where I don't get laid until the very end."

"OOOOkkkkk…Well, letsa go, Mario!"

"My name is LINK. Do you hear me? LINK. This isn't some dumb-ass Mario game. Now, lets get it on."

After a very fun and happy time of Link and Navi having a conversation, they go outside, only to find the hottest girl link has ever seen, Saria.

"Hello Link! Hehehehehehe…I see you've gotten a very annoying blue fairy! GOOD JOB!"

"Thanks…Saria"

Link is drooling at Saria, but she doesn't notice. She's to busy watching her Pinkish Fairy getting closer and closer to Navi. Little Pink drool is coming out of her mouth. Saria is scared, because she's only 10 and doesn't understand the amazing properties of love and stuff like that. She just decides she has to go.

"Well…see you later link!"

Link's pissed. Since he is actually **12** , not 10 contrary to popular belief. And he understands some small properties of love. And that's enough for him to drool over Saria. So he was very pissed when she left.

"Whatever Link, I forgot to tell you. Yeah, the Great Deku Tree wants to see you, and stuff. So we have to go over there."

Link and Navi walk over to Mido. Link knows that Mido has always been a shrimpy little bastard, and he would like to rip a stake though his teeny little fu…ricking heart.

"Hello Link. Nice day, Isn't it. ISN'T IT! ANSWER ME LINK! YOU KNOW YOU WAAANNNTTT TOOOOO."

"Mido, It's a shitty day. Crappy Crappy CRAPY day. The crapiest day ever. Well, Its kinda good because I get to see the Deku tree, for the first time since about 10 seconds ago when some idiot that just bought my game went there."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, YOU HAVE LIKE, 50 MILLION OF YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"Mido, just let me the hell through."

"Haha, sorry I can't link. My little bastardy brain wont let me let YOU go through, because I'm annoying and I just want to go and make you get a sword and shield first. So go ahead link, GO AND GET THEM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Well now, Link was just pissed at the puny little Bastard. So, he took out his Biggoron Sword and Mirror Shield, and then laughed at him.

"OH MY GOD LINK WHERE THE FU--"

Link cut him in half. On his head. Right at his head. So it wasn't in half, just about in maybe 1/4ths or 1/10ths or something. But he was happy, because the annoying bastard was dead. So, he went right in and noticed that his pre-puberty effects were kicking in, and his hands and feet just grew a lot, so he could hold his sword.

"OWNAGE! BOO-YAH BABY!"

"Link, where the hell did you get that crap anyway? I mean, you just started the journey."

"Pssht, like over 10 million people have played this game. I have everything. Even my nifty golden goblets, and Ice arrows and my awesome hammer. Not to mention all the power ups, And of course all my magical faerie thingy powers. And I have about 20 bottles because of all the people who used the bottle glitch."

"Wow, I guess it'll be a snap for you to do this then, so I should just annoy you the whole time and see how you do. HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN!"

Then Navi was cut in half, and link was AMAZINGLY HAPPY that she was dead already.

"Where Art thou? Come hither."

"I'm right here, giant tree piece of crap."

"How dare thee insult thy greatness of me."

"STOP TALKING LIKE THAT."

"Why art thou angry at thy tree?"

"SHUT THE FRICK UP!"

"OH KAY YOU LITTLE FREAKING –exploitive deleted- -exploitive deleted- -exploitive deleted-"

"Oh, the little treesy weesy has some anger problems, does he know?"

"You know what link, I'll skip the damn speech. You're the only one that can save me, very sadly. I need you to go inside my mouth and start beating the crap out of some evil spider inside of me that ganondorf, the king of evil, put inside of me. So do it, or I'll die now and you wont get the stone and YOU CANT TURN INTO AN ADULT AND GET LAID. HAHAHAHAHA."

Well, link was pissed because he was right, so he just went inside of him. And inside of him he went.

Will link defeat the evil spider? Will Navi ever come back to life? Will Mido stop being a bastard? And when, when will Link realize the fact that so many people make him do pointless things?

**FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EXCITING, PULP POUNDING CHAPTER OF A STORY ABOUT A GUY NAMED LINK!**

**Please Review, I'll make another chapter if I get good reviews**


	2. Inside The Deku Tree

A Story About a Guy Named Link 

**The Most Fun Part of the Fic…It's the…dun dun dun DISCLAIMER O : **This might come to a real shock to you…but…brace yourself…I don't own Zelda. I know, it's traumatizing. I'll hire psychologists for anyone who needs them at this very difficult moment. Thank you.

Chapter **2**: The _Great_ Deku Tree 

"Oh. My. Fureaking. God."

Yeah, Link was looking at the Great Deku Tree's inside. And he was pleasantly Perplexed. Because, he just heard that damn tree talking. And he didn't see any organs, like a brain or a heart or vocal cords or a spleen, or anything like that.

"Like, what the fudge is going on. Is this tree some kinda robot or something?"

Then he saw the outlet inside of him in which he saw a Closed Circuit TV. Well, he looked at it and he saw this little secret thingy that nobody's ever thought of doing. Well, what Link saw there, scared the shit out of him. He saw Queen Ghoma with ganondorf, and then he saw them "producing members of society." Well, that was enough for link to figure out where the hell all those damn babies came from.

But then, it dawned on link.

_Why the hell does she have this with TiVo on a closed circuit TV? Does she have her own evildoer's porn site or something? I mean god, how perverted can these evil guys get. Will they refuse to look at nice productive members of society? Do they need their own porn magazines and sites? I don't think so. So, I'm gonna beat the hell outta that spider pansy and laugh at her, then destroy the TV and steal all her rupee's for her Comcast Digital Cable Bill. Then she'll be in debt, AND be dead. Hahahahahaha. _

Well, Link already had all of his stuff, so he went right up to the top and jumped off. Then, because of how heavy he was, he created Immense G-forces, in which case the dragonballs united into link, and he was just like "WTFWTFWTF."

"Erm, now that I have the dragons balls "_rim shot" _I wish Navi alive again, because this Fic won't function in proper order without her."

Then, the giant dragon appeared, yada yada yada, and made Navi alive again.

"HEY LINK LIKE WHAT THE FUCRICK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING TRYING TO KILL ME LIKE THAT YOU –exploitive deleted-ing –exploitive deleted- SON OF A -exploitive deleted-."

"One more word Navi, One more word and…"

Link takes out his Biggoron Sword, Megaton (Pwnage) Hammer, Ice Arrows, and then points them all at Navi somehow while in midair. Then, they all fell through a big web and the web got caught in navi's wings, but she couldn't scream for help, or else she'd DIE AGAIN.

"HAHAHAHAHA STUPID FAIRY YOU'RE TRAPPED AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

Link was cracking up at the poor, defenseless fairy.

"Help…cries"

Link Stabbed the Poor Defenseless Fairy.

Link laughed at the Poor, Defenseless, **_And DEAD_** Fairy.

Link went on.

Well, Link was tired of having the one-word sentences describing his every move. So he stopped it ). Then, Link saw a bunch of webs in front of an important looking door. So he got out his fire arrows and shot it. He went through a door, and saw a deku thingy. He short it and it told him 2,3,1, blah we already know, and then link went through a door, through another, and then through another, and then he was back to the room with the fire arrow thingy web thingy. He got out his fire arrows again (wow, very useful here) and shot the web on the floor, fell in water, healed himself with free hearts, and went to the three ANNOYING AS HELL DEKU TRIPLETS.

"Hahaha, I'm number 1 and I own j00 u totel nub"

"I pwnz0rz j00 cuz I ish the almitee nubah 2 nd u shall be pwnz0rd by meh skillz"

"1 ISH T3H M0S7 PWNISHISH DEKU IN DA WURLD CUZ I PWNZ0EZ J00 SOULZ FREAKY NUB MORON O"

Well, Link noticed the theme of each one being MORE ANNOYING AND FUHREAKING IDIOTIC THEN THE LAST. He got out his Ice arrows and shot them all, they all froze, and the door opened. He thought that was pretty damn nice.

"Oh Kay, Now what the fucrick has gone on since 10 seconds ago when someone else entered here with me?"

It was all pink and blue and yellow, and…tye-dye-ish, with lots of medallions and shit and then there was this big spider in the middle of the room, that happened to be Ghoma and she just **happened** to have lots of posters up that said things like "Sex Sucks" and "Don't Sell yourself so Sex!"

Link thought that was a little odd, since Link just saw her and Ganon…whatever

"Like, what the shiznick are you doing Ghoma? I just saw you and Ganon…never mind"

"Like this is da hippies lair yah and dis shiz is fkuced up."

"So like, do I have to fight you…or anything?"

"No dude, just go ahead and kill me, and da pain of da man bringin me down."

Link jumped up and down for joy, because he could just kill it so easy. So he took out his Biggorons sword and stabbed her. And then it turned all black and gloomy. And link was Happy. He saw a glowy little blue portal, and a heart piece. He picked up the heart piece.

"OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE, SO MUCH STRONGER I WILL OWN THE ALMIGHTY KING OF CRAP, DONDANGO."

Then he went back outside.

"Link, Thee has novelist saved thee tree from death."

"NOT THIS AGAIN YOU FAT SMELLY TREE STOP WITH THE DAMN 1400'S TALK AND TALK NORMAL YOU SHIZNICKEL."

"OH KAY YOU FREAKING –exploitive deleted- -exploitive deleted- YOU FREAKING SAVED ME SO HERES A GREEN STONE HAVE FUN KTHXBAI."

He died and shriveled up and Link was happy. Then he went right passed the dead Mido, stabbed him again, and walked on. He was about to leave the village, walking over the bridge, when Saria stopped him.

"Goodbye Link…I'll miss you…"

Link was just standing there drooling at her.

_Damn, she's hot_

"Link, I…"

_She's so freaking hot…I just wanna… _

"Want to give you this!"

"ARGH DAMNIT SARIA I ALREADY HAVE IT AND GOD RID OF IT WHEN I GOT THE OoT SO YOU SUCK, BYE."

And therefore, Link went on his journey to Zelda's Castle.

**Will Navi come alive…again? Will link finally kill Keopora Geobora? Will I stop asking these questions? Find Out in the next episode of…****A Story About a Guy Named Link!**

**Yay, I made another. Review.**


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